This whole week has been so wrong. The whole feeling is but just pure blues. I'm afraid of the way people judge me. I'm afraid of being the joke of their lives. But no matter how hard i try, nothing works out at all.
My project mates are always saying that we work by democracy and comparative advantage. When they start, they will list out all the strengths of my other teammates but when it's me, there's simply nothing to say. I feel so inferior and I've started to doubt my own ability since then. Maybe it's why I've become too over-conscious on other's opinions of me. Which led me to think that they do things for a reason. For example, changing only my slides when the other slides are more wordy than mine. I feel very extremely upset because it's like they think my work are bullshit so they have to correct whatever i had done.Well, i don't know. Probably they did it for a reason and not just only to pick on me in particular or maybe they just wanted to help me to learn but nonetheless, i still am affected by it. Am i really that bad? Sometimes from their words i can interpret them saying i'm not contributing to the projects indirectly, but i think it's quite unfair because i feel that i do put in a lot of effort in my projects. Even though i had to work in my weekends, i try to do it every night before i sleep. And even though i had to work the next day, i stayed up till 4am to finish my power point slides. Plus, i didn't not attend project meeting on purpose, if i went and didn't turn up for work instead my pay would be deducted. But even so, i tried all ways possible to go to Mustafa in wee hours with the rest just to prove that i really am doing my part on the project. Even if it means getting Wennhan really mad, inconveniencing his mum to stay up just for me to go to Mustafa.
I know my English is not profound at all, but at least i tried to do my report and presentations in the best way i could. At least i put in effort to try, it's much more important than anything else. That's why i got very upset when one of my teammates said something to me today. It seems like she's indirectly saying that i'm not intelligent, or in other words, Stupid. No one can be perfect. Even though she's strong in her English doesn't mean everyone has to be as strong as her. And i am one who isn't as good as her, everyone has his/her own strengths and weaknesses, must she make things so bad for me? I don't think i deserve a stupid because at least i am legible and the things i say makes sense. I'm just a slow thinker. And i'm born with it, please do not judge me this way and accept me. At least I'll never ever be insensitive to people's feelings, never in a million years.
And although i don't have many strengths, but one of my biggest strengths is that i'm willing to learn. To me, willingness to learn and change is much more important than anything else. You can be given a million dollars to start a business but if you are not willing to learn and change your business operations accordingly, your business will just fold eventually. And I'm not stubborn, i don't fake a front to make people like me and I'm easy going.
P/s, I just needed a space to pour out my feelings after 1 week ++ of extreme stress and tolerance.
