EMO!

I really cannot take it anymore ! rahsssss. i just loathe my crazy and insane lyfe! i always tell myself to tolerate ''ren yi shi feng ping lang jing, tui yi bu hai kuo tian kong'' But it's really driving me nuts.
I had enough of scoldings alr. My expectations are fairly simple. i just wanna be a good daughter in my mum's eyes. Is it so hard? Was feeling so damn lethargic when i reach home and just felt like sleeping, nothing else. I didnt. But instead i went to vacuum floor do laundry wash clothes.Coincidentally, When she came home i just started using my sister's lappie and she gave me a thrashing. WATTHEFARK! i used for like 5mins only she scolded me macham i used it for 5hrs?!. Nvm, wo ren, i thought everything will be gone soon but she confiscated my fone and ordereed me to slp bfore she comes back. WATSIA! i didnt even do anything wrong larh! When i never help her with the chores, she scolds ,but when i helped her with them, she gives me thrashing too! This is so mad i'm getting tired of my life. And i mean really tired of it. I wish i had a penknife or sth that can relieve myself of the pain.

Already i felt so empty inside me that everything's gone so wrong with me, and i'm still searching my soul to find out what's so wrong with me that caused my traumatic change but nobody's helping me . I hate this kind of feeling. It's like being left alone in a dark room,lost,and you saw many people whom you find familar , but none of them actually knows you! You wanted to reach up to them and cried loudly for help, but they just ignore you. Or perhaps, they'll just make you feel worse by scolding you that you're insane. I cant take it anymore. NO i cant.

I've been cooping everything inside me and trying to change myself back to the old me again and i've been pushing myself to carry on.
It's such an unrealistic feeling. Since last year, i've been trying to get yb out of my mind. Nevermind that i cant, and to worsen the situation, i was always reminded of our past memories. I tried to get everything out of my mind. But, i cant. Sometimes i really hope someone can understand me and lend me his listening ears and shoulder , make me feel at least i'm being cared by him. It's not that nobody care, it's just that i just cant seem to trust those whom declare that they care. Maybe all i want is for him to be back. Although it's impossible somehow and i know it, i'm still feeling this way. WHY? dun ask me why cause i wish to know why also. Hais. I really tried my best to forget everything but instead of forgetting them, i got more crazy and i felt like im being haunted by those memories. I hate that feeling. it sux. To miss someone whom you lost contact with but still love and think about him day and night waiting for him to turn back. This is so silly. i know ! i really do know but somehow i cant stop that kind of feeling! i need help urgently.!!

And i think i'm going bonkers@! . i'm so obsessed about my weight and keeps telling and scolding myself for being very fat! Despite the fact that my mum and her frens and everyone else telling me that i've lost a lot of weight, i'm still scolding myself for that! Why is ma life like this?. My life is falling apart already. Really. hais. i just want a shoulder whom i can feel easy in leaning on . Crying non-stop. I'm so emo!.